


Heartless

by Simplyabookworm



Series: AroWriMo 2021 [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: And I ended up writing angst, Angst, AroWriMo2021, Aromantic, Aromantic Character, Aromantic Writing Month 2021, Aromanticism, But it's not really one, But they share a lot of similarities, F/M, Gen, Hopeful Ending, I wanted an happy ending, I was feeling a bit sad, Internal Monologue, Most common objection to aromanticism and asexuality, Other, aroace, aroace author, no beta read, they're not the same
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:48:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29175939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Simplyabookworm/pseuds/Simplyabookworm
Summary: When society doesn't offer you acceptable option other than what it consider "normal",  it is hard to accept you are far from it.
Relationships: Original Female Character/Original Male Character
Series: AroWriMo 2021 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2141883
Kudos: 1





	Heartless

**Author's Note:**

> AroWriMo 2021   
> Week 1   
> 1st - 7th February  
>  Loveless & Future

I've alway loved romance and the idea of having someone who loves and accepts all of me. I loved the thrilling sensation of the possibilities knowing someone new would lead me to my One True Love. I watched it in tv shows, movies, I read it in books and stories and fairytales. I read it in fiction and fanfiction and I wrote stories about it, fantasized about it. About how I imagined how it would happen, how I would feel. I imagined what my ideal man would look like, what colour his eyes would be, what colour his hair, if he would be tall or short, if he would be talkative, funny or silently protective. I fantasized about my other half and how it would feel to fall in love for the first time, and continue being in love with someone for the rest of my life. 

That's the reason why, when I found the word “aromantic” for the first time, I refused to acknowledge it, that it was me, that I might be that. I closed the page and opened the Tinder App, instead. I wanted to prove to myself I was capable of feeling love and I wasn't a heartless human being. Love is what makes us human, after all. I just needed to find the right person. 

I began to accept dates like crazy. I was out almost every evening with a different man, dreaming, hoping, forcing myself to feel something, some of the butterflies in the stomach people talk about, some of the excitement, the stop of breathing for a compliment, anything at all, but nothing happened. Nothing worked. Nothing. At. All. 

And then...

Then…

I met him. 

"Him" was cinder blond, a little bit taller than me and really nice. He treated me well, was funny to talk to and I enjoyed his company the most. I was always eager to spend time with him. In my eyes, he was perfect. He was The One. I was certain. I was certain I was in love. I was certain I loved him. I was certain what I felt was love, the love people always talked about. But it wasn't. And even though my love wasn't fake, I didn't love him in a romantic way. It took me a while to see that. Too long. 

That was the worst year of my life. 

We upgraded to boyfriend and girlfriend pretty quickly and I lost my balance. I began to do his laundry for him, cleaning his house when I would sleep over, cooking for him. I even took his appointments to the doctor for him. Always waiting for a text or a call for him. Always dropping everything to go see him if he called. Last minute cancelled plans with friends, family, sometimes even work, to go to him. And he… I don't think it was his fault, not completely. It was mine, mostly. I made myself too available, did not set boundaries, did not know I needed them or how or what they should be. And he did not abuse me, not consciously I think, but didn't realize what he was doing. I didn't either, not until my best friends, my childhood friend, my last friend pointed it out. 

"Willow, you need to stop that" 

Stop what. I was doing everything I was supposed to, I was doing things in the right way, by the manual. I was in love. He loved me. I wasn't broken or weird or… or… aromantic (dear god, I couldn’t even say it in my mind). I could feel love. I wasn't heartless. 

"Willow, you can't put away everything to answer his calls. You're not his domestic help. You're your own person. You're not an extension of him and he’s not you’re employed you need to answer to" 

I'm not. Of course I’m not his domestic help. I’m his girlfriend. I’m doing what a good girlfriend is supposed to do. Right? But I love him. And he loves me. Doesn't work like that? You love someone and give yourself fully to them? And they give themselves fully to you in return? Literature and movies say so. Centuries of literature and decades of movies said so. And they can’t be right. Everyone knew that. It was common knowledge.

"Will, no. Yes, you do things for them because you love them, but you also love yourself and have your own goals, your own mind. It's not like… Like he… He owned you. You can say no to him" 

I didn't listen. I didn't. And I should have, because in the end his "love" was a fleeting thing. He kept me close because it was easy. I was easy. To be with. To talk to. He felt…good having someone who looked up to him in everything. But he didn't love me. Not enough to stay with me forever. Not enough. Not like movies and books and fairytales said he would. And I was devastated. Was my love not enough? Was I really unlovable? Was I really in love with him? Was I ever? Or did I push myself too much, too hard, too fast? To do what? To prove I could be loved? He loved me and still broke up with me. I love him. Loved him. Miss him. But did I miss him for him or for the feeling of being normal? I don't know. I don't know. I don't…

"It's okay Will." 

Rowen was there. With me. The only one who refused to be pushed away. 

"You'll be okay. And you know why? Because you are loved and love so much. Always had. Always will. I love you. Your family loves you. Your friends love you - by the way, you need to talk to them, they are worried sick." 

I laughed quietly. 

"you're not unlovable. You are not wrong, or broken, or alone. You'll be okay. You'll find someone who will love you for you, because romantic love is not the only type of love existent. And you're so full of love it's impossible not to love you. You just need to be patient and set boundaries, for God’s sake!!! You can't reduce yourself to a slave just because you love them." 

She embraced me. I let her. I let her comfort me why I cried long and hard. Maybe I didn't love him. Maybe I just loved the idea of him. And me. The idea of romantic love more than anything else. But it's okay. I will be. I'm not alone. I have Rowen and my family and my friends - oh god, I treated them horribly. I'll need to bake something for them and apologize and.. and… and hope they'll forgive me for behaving like that. But Row is on my side. If she is, everything will be alright. She'll help me. She'll keep me in check. And I'll work on those boundaries. In the meantime…

I'm not alone and I'm loved.

**Author's Note:**

> I was reading the two prompts and I began feeling angsty.   
> I've never forced myself to date, but I like romance in fiction (most of the times, anyway) and sometimes I feel lost and angsty and think maybe I should force myself a bit. I don't want to be alone. But then, I remember I'm not alone because I have people who love me.   
> It's...an ongoing journey of self-acceptance, I guess. 
> 
> Thanks for reading  
> xoxo


End file.
